RL371 - Too Big to Be Angry

This week, Merlin and John talk about:

The problem: John was getting buffeted, referring to John snorkeling on Hawaii and overcoming his fear of the ocean and getting buffeted by waves.

The show title refers to John having had a phase in his 30s when he was continuously very angry to the point that he was scary to people because he is a big guy and he is too big to be angry like that or it is really awful.

It is going pretty Aloha! It is a little bit early. Merlin slept well last night. His phone always tells him in the morning how well he slept, providing him with confirmation or punishment over something he has very little actual control over. He will look who is mad at him on Twitter today and how well he slept.

Raw notes
The segments below are raw notes that have not been edited for language, structure, references, or readability. Please do not quote these texts directly without applying your own editing first! These notes were not planned to be released in this form, but time constraints have caused a shift in priorities and have delayed editing draft-quality versions to a later point.

John being in Hawaii with a lot of wild birds and cats around him (RL371)

John is still in Hawaii and it is very early there, but that is good because he needs order and structure in his life and getting up in the morning is a form of structure. The wild jungle roosters here first start to crow at about 3am. When Merlin was in Hawaii he had to make a lot of adjustments. First, all of their shit had been stolen in a break-in, but he also had to adjust to the food, the roosters and the wild cats.

Here at uncle Jack’s house, John’s cousins and other family members live there for various bursts of time over the course of the three months that uncle Jack lives there in the winter, which bit John in the behind last year when there was a scheduling cock-up and he was there exactly a year ago when they last talked about Aloha. The majority of John’s cousins think that the feral cats are cute and they buy a big bag of cat food and little cans of special cat foods and they have put two bowls, a Tupperware container and the lid of a box of candy of cat food with different kinds of cat food. John can only imagine that the chickens and all the little birds and snakes and airplanes all eat the cat food.

The mama cat first hisses at you when you arrive at the scene, and she has 4 adorable little kittens. Three of them have half-tails and John first thought the mom had lost her tail in a fight, but the kittens also have short tails. There are 100 kinds of birds making different sounds. Merlin can hear a subtle ”cocoo”.

The state of John’s Aloha one year later. (RL371)

John has been working on his Aloha, he has been there for a little more than a week and has a little less than a week to go, and the Aloha is an allusive state of mind to get into when you come from no-loha. It is so early. John had a little bit of banana bread, but it is not enough to put him in a good head.

One year ago John got uncle Jack some shoes (see RL325) and had a bit of a saga with Aloha (see RL324, RL325) because he was suffering from quite a bit of anxiety and stress and while he was in Hawaii he got into several big negotiations and arguments with people he was in business with and none if seemed like it was working out. He never lost faith in what he was doing, but it didn’t seem like the business relationships were panning out (referring to his other podcast The Omnibus trying to get independent of iHeart Media) and he was trying to sell his house and was so stressed out.

John’s story from anger to anxiety (RL371)

One of the things that drove John to stop drinking in the first place was that he was in a state of perpetual frustration that he manifested itself as anger. John was angry all the time and it grew to a murderous anger so in every situation he confronted he thought that these people needed to die and that is not a form of anger you can just talk yourself down from because there is no reasonable position anymore. John saw the trajectory he was on, he was sick, drunk and homeless, which on the surface were reasonable causes to stop drinking, but of course none of those material-world things are ever enough to cause a person to quit drinking.

John became so consumed with anger that he was about to become a destroyer, sometime terrible in the world that would eventually destroy something fundamental about himself. Merlin calls it the Seven Dwarfs of Bad Emotion, like anger or fear and if Merlin gets really angry it is usually not a thing on its own, but it is when the top blows off, like with crying that is caused by frustration. Anger is the sink that captures all the other bad emotions. Living in that as an anxious person or an alcoholic fells so real and permanent and there is no way to pop out of it. You can’t just strap Aloha on top of that because Aloha is not a strap-on.

When John was in his 30s he didn’t experience anger or any other negative emotion in any form other than depression and self-hate. The murderousness he just mentioned was a special category that was just in him and like still waters nobody would have seen anger on him. In his early 30s John did a lot of work on himself, trying to figure out what was going on, and he realized that anger and disappointment is separate from depression. This was a long time before he knew what anxiety even was.

John went through a phase when he was really externally angry and that was when he realized that he was scary. He was too big to be angry. Somebody his size and his amount of formidable can’t be angry in the world or it is awful. Merlin and John had a face-to-face one time in John’s house and they didn’t have too many of these, fewer than 3 or 4 showdowns about something, and they both felt very wounded about what was happening because they both saw it from a different point of view, and John carried himself in a way Merlin had never seen before. He was very emotional and it scared the shit out of Merlin.

In that situation when you feel you get pushed to the edge there are no more checks on it past a certain point, which is awful to live through and awful to see in other people. John got to that place by suppressing it for 35 years and not having built up the natural normal skills that you need to handle it. A lot of people get into a posture where they are wounded or feel confronted and there comes a blindness over them of ”it is all someone else’s fault”, a blindness of victimization that ultimately is very destructive.

John never feels victimized, but he feels injustice and his anger comes from a feeling that something is being perpetrated on the world and needs to be confronted. For a long time he has been trying to arrest that before it gets started because you have to be way upstream from it. Sometimes in arguments with people he doesn’t want to bail on an argument, but he really has to go away from it, go outside and walk around because he can’t be in that cycle in a closed space where he is being backed against a wall.

In the last couple of years all of a sudden anxiety appeared, which was not an experience John ever had separate from other emotions. He never was just anxious, but it always came out as some other thing and he never felt anxiety and when people where describing anxiety to him it wasn’t something he recognized. It became a thing that people started to talk about openly only a few years ago. The kind of anxiety that people were talking about before John perceived as a MAD Magazine or Philip Roth anxiety, like neuroticism.

Yesterday Merlin was watching the movie about Temple Grandin, a woman who grew up when we just had a name for what her deal was (autism), but it was not widely understood. She is regarded as one of the first successful public figures to talk about the experience of being autistic and growing up with autism. She did a TED talk about why we need people like her doing certain jobs and it is really inspiring. There are so many things today that we have some understanding of and some name for, but that just was not the case when Merlin was a kid.

In Merlin’s Junior High and High School there was always one double-sized room called Special Ed or Occupational Therapy, which was the brown reading group, to paraphrase The Simpsons, everybody who was too disruptive to be in class, but who was still mainstreamed into the public school system. Examples of the things from that group that we understand better now are Down Syndrome, ADHD, Oppositional Disorder, probably also Dyslexia and kids anywhere on the Autism spectrum. They used to use an ugly R-word for all of those people.

You don’t want to attach a label to people, but it can be very useful to have a name for that, for example: "This kid is not stupid, he just can’t do letters!” or: ”This kids doesn’t like jumping around, but he is unhappy and can’t control his hyperactivity!” Once you can put a name on things you have options towards solving the problem, and the same is true for Merlin and John, walking around with emotions that they experience but don’t fully understand or have any kind of distance from, no box to put in. Anxiety in particular is now well-known and well-documented.

Anxiety is associated with many different kinds of disorders. One big step was to recognize anxiety as being a thing, and the second was to understand that there are people who have persistent thoughts, and anxiety goes with things like OCD or depression.

John’s anger was not directed at other people, but mostly internally at himself. It showed externally only because John was in a period where he didn’t know how to manage it and when he was interacting with a lot of people. It started a little before the Western State Hurricanes year when he was trying to become less of an outsider and feel less like the world he wanted to live in and where he belonged was completely inaccessible to him.

In trying to find a place in the world where he belonged he started addressing all this stuff by going to AA a lot and talking to people about what was happening in him and he successfully started a journey with the end-result that he got more in the world and felt more belonging, but it did require him to realize that he was angry and not just depressed. This wasn’t all his fault! Getting through that to the other side, which is realizing that there is a lot of stuff that is nobody’s fault, but also regardless of what makes you angry, anger is its own creative and destructive thing to bring. Anger can be harnessed and it can create. It is not a thing to suppress, which John did and it wasn’t working. If you do have anger and it is destructive and powerful and scary in you, you don’t just put it back in a box or put a cap on it, but you have to find a path.

Anxiety was a thing that, like depression or like having an inner voice, is a thing that is very hard for people who haven’t experienced it to know what other people talking about. It is possible to live an entire life and never even consider that a huge proportion of the people you interact with every day have an utterly different experience, so much so that all the literature and film and art that gets made where it is explicitly spoken in that stuff, like: ”My inner voice”, the whole idea of a narrator, and really smart, interesting and creative people can consume that and are lacking an inner voice themselves and don’t make the connection or don’t understand what the art is about.

John heard people talk about anxiety a lot, but in the same way that there are people who don’t have much sympathy for depression and who think the solution is to get up off your ass and go for a walk. When people would describe anxiety to John he didn’t know how to be sympathetic because it seemed like something people should just fucking man up. ”Why don’t you just stop procrastinating?” - ”It is a really good question! I don’t know!”

What made Aloha so important for John last year was that there was no denying that he was having a new experience, a whole new unpleasant emotional world where he for the first time felt something that could only be described as anxious. He felt panic in a way that he had never felt.

Merlin always has a baseline buzzing humming persistent feeling, scanning the horizon for threats, even if there is no reason to think that there is a threat there. There is a different between fear and anxiety. Fear is what you should experience when there is a threat or an imminent threat, not only a lion running at you, but also the sound or seeing them that triggers that. Anxiety is not the same because it is in search of what to be fearful of, even in the absence of evidence that there is anything to fear, which sounds like kid-stuff. It is almost always there for Merlin and it is almost always affecting something about how he is thinking and doing. Everybody gets scared sometimes, but what everybody doesn’t necessarily have is this thrumming constant buzz of ”This is going to get me and this will be my undoing!”, which is not fun and affects everything.

For John it is connected to denial of breath because he is claustrophobic. His first panic attack was on an airplane, which is pretty normal for people because it is a fart tube full of lung pigs. John grew up on airplanes, so it was never a place where he felt uncomfortable, but one time he got put in the back row on a Lufthansa super-jet with three aisles and 600 people and not a single empty seat and the girl next to him was coming down off of meth and he was at the start of an 11 hour flight over an ocean. They were still on the ground and it was the first time John ever had this sudden feeling of: ”I can’t be on this fucking thing! What the hell! This is completely inhumane! I can’t be in here for 11 hours!”

For Merlin the trouble starts when he starts thinking about how this fucking thing even works, how this thing even stays in the air, who are these people, and what are they doing, which can be very overwhelming and that turns into a feeding frenzy where his brain goes crazy, figuring out the worst things that could happen, even if they are very unlikely, and that causes a worry chain and you will make the craziest non-existent connections about something that has not happened. Merlin could do that all day and his worries about ”What if I have to pee? What if I forgot something?” and the like just chain so hard.

John never had that experience and then he started and it was unpleasant and he couldn’t live like that and didn’t know what could be done about it. Having had it, it still feels present all the time, unlike anything else John has experienced. He was inoculated in it, but not in the sense that now he is free of it, but like lime disease: He always carries the antibodies from here on out. It is accessible to him if he started thinking about it, he could pursue it until he was in it, but since he went through his Aloha-seeking process last year things improved in his life. His business stuff improved, his health improved and he has been able to keep it at bay in the last 9 months, but he cannot imagine ever to be free of it, having had it.

Working on the anxiety connected with snorkeling (RL371)

What is right on the razor’s edge of it is snorkeling. John loves snorkeling, it is super-fun, you get to fly, you get to see fun things, it is a way to be in the ocean, but John is not a super-strong swimmer and he ocean has always been pretty scary. He doesn’t like to go too far out, it is not an environment where he is super-comfortable. In Hawaii you see young people who grew up in the ocean and they have a very different experience. John loves the ocean, he has always been very attracted to it, he likes to live close to it and go in it when he can, but he likes to stay in water that is about neck-high. He likes to go out and find his place and stand there for hours submerged, but he doesn’t have the set of skills to swim all afternoon. Snorkeling puts him in this environment in a way where he has a lot more control and is able to survive.

You have an eye mask so you can see and you get a seal so it doesn’t fill up with water, which is a source of potential disaster. It can also fog up. You are breathing through a tube that is out of the water the majority of the time, but not all the time. You can hold your breath and swim down, or you can just mind your own business and a wave washes over you and all of a sudden you can’t breathe as a surprise. It sounds like a bad idea to Merlin, but the benefits are so extraordinary. John doesn’t feel very buoyant and Merlin also envies people who are buoyant.

When John has a snorkel on he can be buoyant because his lack of buoyancy is 15%. People who can float with their head above water have the 10% John that doesn’t have because he floats with his eyes above water, but his nose and mouth under water. The nice thing about snorkeling is that John does float, but he is breathing through a tube. The ever-present threat of any one of those not-very-elaborate systems: ”Is the goggle fogged? Is the goggle letting in water? Is the tube allowing you to breathe?” is an immediate threat of drowning. If his goggle even fogs and he stops and lifts his head above the water to un-fog the goggle, all of a sudden he is not floating, but thrashing and sinking.

Last year, because John had panic attacks and was all ready, he was aware of it and became conscious of the fact that panic was not just a thing that happened any more connected directly to drowning, but it was now a feeling that he was drowning if he was just sitting alone in his bedroom. To put himself in a posture where he was actually going to take that new feeling of drowning in a bus and put himself back in an environment where drowning was real was a transformative confrontation between John and fear, so he insisted to go down every day and go in the water and snorkel because he didn’t want to be mastered by whatever this was.

He wanted to snorkel, he wanted to see the turtles, and he wanted this to be a positive experience. He did not want to come to Hawaii and have snorkeling be a thing that was just over the horizon as a thing that was taunting him like a demon, he didn’t want Hawaii to have that demon in particular that he would think of when he was there.

There is a new kind of snorkel-mask which is a full-face mask. It hooks under your chin, and it is very similar to the mask in the movie Alien. You have an incredibly unobstructed view and the ability to breathe through your nose because you are inside of a whole face. However this technology works, they never fog. All of a sudden these two factors have changed: The fogging is gone and John also can breathe freely rather than having his nose plugged and breathing through a tube. Within snorkeling communities it is regarded as some chicken-shit thing for moms because a big part of it for them is that they can hold their breath and dive down 20 feet, but for John that idea is not relevant and he can see everything pretty well from up there and what he can’t see doesn’t want to be seen.

John embraced this face mask, although it can of course still leak and he doesn’t want to know what is wrong with them because he has a pretty good sense of what is right and wrong about them. One of the things John has to do is shave his beard. According to a documentary Merlin saw Hitler had that particular mustache although he used to have a big dignified mustache because he cut it off so he could wear a gas mask.

Its relationship to panic is not as clear as it might seem. The full-face mask is just 10-15% better, it is not that all of a sudden there is no panic involved, but it is slightly easier for John to breath and that makes a huge difference. Still, every day he had to go down and walk into that water, alone because having a buddy would double his stress feeling responsible the other person’s safety and having to recognize that he can’t save them because he is barely hanging on and if they had a problem? That begins a cycle of thinking and John just wished they would go away.

By the end of last year John had gotten to a place where he went down to the water every day and snorkeled and watched the turtles and realized that the turtles probably didn’t have anxiety. This year John has been doing it every day as well and he doesn’t feel as proximate to panic, it feels like he has it at one remove, but of course as soon as he is out in the water he feels that sense of danger all around him. Having survived it for so many days helps, but…

Yesterday John was out snorkeling and the wind picked up, he was getting buffeted by waves, he popped his head up, and he was way out along a reef. That way-way-outness, all these things add to it. When his face is down, looking at this wonderful undersea environment and he realizes that the sea is 30-40 feet deep, the difference between that and 15 feet doesn’t inspire very much fear because he can just as easily drown in 15 feet as he can in 50, but to pop his head up and realize that he is 3/4 of a mile from the shore, that is when he gets freaked out.

Years ago John was swimming in Greece and he planned to swim around a big rock to the beach on the other side, he was 25 years old and bold and strong and ”What can hurt me?” As he came out on the other side of this rock, it was a lot further than he thought and the rock had a shear side, so there wasn’t any place to rest or grab on and waves were pummeling the rock and he had to stay away because he would have gotten beat to shit. All of a sudden he was out in the sea, swimming with no end in sight. He couldn’t see the other beach because it was all the way around this rock and it was a false-horizon thing where he would come around a corner and think that the beach was going to be there, but it was just more rock.

Yesterday John was getting buffeted and all of a sudden he was going up and down in troughs of waves and he definitely turned around and thought he needed to just breathe and methodically start paddling for shore. Each time he lifted up his head it felt like he was making no progress. In doing it he never panicked, but panic was his little helpful friend that was right there, swimming alongside him, saying: All it takes is one more thing to go wrong! He could just stop paddling and float there and breathe, but then of course the voice continues: ”What if a sea lion grabs your mask?”

John tries to put himself just out to where the challenge is real. It is the same problem with anything he does, that he keeps thinking that his borders are somewhere back where they were when he was 25. John can still ski as fast has he could when he was 25, he is a good skier, but the question is if he can survive a wreck at that speed. At 25 or at 19 John could wreck at 45 mph and it would be a yard sale, he would tumble end over end and be fucking whacked, but he would pick himself up. He broke a ski one time in a wreck.

You don’t go into anything assuming you are going to crash and the experience of skiing is still great. John doesn’t even have the ability to ski at a speed that would be appropriate and whenever he is up there he finds himself each time: ”Oh shit!” and he is not even sure he will have the strength to stop himself and he is not presently in danger, but he needs to gradually check his speed. In the old days he would just set himself sideways to the hill and create a rooster-tail of snow 3 stories tall and he could stop from whatever unless he crashed, but at 51 he would turn himself sideways like that and he would chatter like a tray of ice cubes going down a slide.

That is true of all of John’s limits, like his driving and his experience of the world in general. He doesn’t jump off of retaining walls anymore because he had a bad knee for a while, but he still goes into situation where he thinks: ”If these people want to fight, then I will fight them!” and that is not a good mentality to walk through an alley. John has caught himself a couple of times realizing that he had crossed over into semi-advanced snorkeling. For him to say that he is an intermediate snorkeler is to be wrong immediately. John is a beginning snorkeler and he is always going to be a beginning snorkeler and he must not ever get too much confidence to look at a situation and say: ”This looks sketchy, but I am an intermediate snorkeler” He needs to not die in the process of trying to confront his anxieties about dying.

John not being able to unplug from his phone (RL371)

This year it has been harder because it has been really hard to unplug from his dumb phone, which is intruding on his life normally, but stands in such bold contrast to what he is trying to do in Hawaii, which is Aloha. Nothing about a phone is Aloha. It is like with carbs or anything else: You feel so amazing without carbs and you say you will never eat them again and for that reason alone you can have a big plate of spaghetti on New Year’s Eve because it is a treat and you owe it to yourself. That is how John quit smoking and started smoking again nine times before he finally quit, and it is the same as with drugs: There is no ”one cigarette” on New Year’s Eve, but John doesn’t know how to do that with the Internet.

For a long time Merlin did things like not looking at his phone on Sunday until noon or 1pm, but Siri or Alexa ain’t there yet and sometimes you need to get to stuff. In Merlin’s case it is also his ubiquitous capture device where he writes down stuff that he wants to do something about later. That sounds like an excuse and it might be, but it is difficult to switch into airplane mode and confidently know you will not need to touch this for 8 hours. Part of what leads us into disappearing into the phone is the need to go look at this one thing, like when does this place open.

The other day John wondered why there isn’t a device that just accesses Google and Maps. With that device, even one that doesn’t do texting and emails… people have tried to do things like that, like the giant old-lady phone or remote control that you can buy at Walgreens. The omnipresence of the phone is a concentrating lens that shows John that he is not in charge and in control of himself because it feels like he is not choosing this, even though he is. The phone is not all about connectivity, it is about…

Long time before John and Merlin even met John first discovered Minesweeper on the old IBMs and any time the phone rang it was lighting a cigarette when the phone rang, which was John’s dad’s old thing. If he had a long phone conversation to have with somebody, like an interview, he would sit at Minesweeper and have the phone cradled between his shoulder and his ear and would play Minesweeper when he talked because it was occupying a certain part of his mind so he could talk on the phone.

John plays mindless little stacking games like Solitaire or the one with the gems that explode or Threes, and if he has to be somewhere a 2pm and it is 1pm and his conscious brain says: It takes 45 minutes to get there and there will be 15 minutes to find parking and you have to walk from where you are parking to where you are going and wait for the elevator. Merlin drives everybody around him crazy with all the project management of why we need to do things earlier and faster than anybody thinks. What John does in that moment is open Threes.

He doesn’t know why and it doesn’t feel he is in control and he thinks he will just play a game of Threes and then he will go and then he plays a second game of Threes. When he woke up this Monday morning at 7:30am and he knew he was going to talk to Merlin at 8am, but rather than go out of bed and make a pot of coffee the first thing he did while his eyes were still straining to see was opening up his phone and playing Threes. John doesn’t know what it is doing, but it feels like a thing he needs to do in order to make it.

So many times John shows up to a thing 15 minutes late and he played Threes back at home for precisely the 15 minutes that he would have needed to be on time. He didn’t play it for any other reason, he wasn’t already playing it for an hour, but he turned it on to do something to his brain, but not something that feels wholesome. What could be unwholesome about something so dumb as Threes or Solitaire? It is an expression of something that John has not given a name. He is not in charge of it and it causes him real grief that he would like to not have in his life.

When he sits here and Aloha is what he is after, he will think that before he gets to Aloha why doesn’t he just play this video game for an hour while people are waiting on him, while there are beaches to explore, and while he is in Hawaii for a reason. He didn’t come there to do this. While he is at it, he would rather not do this at home either.

Merlin uses Instapaper to bookmark things when he is reading something that he wants to read later, but then he usually doesn’t read it. When he is getting ready to take his nap on his office couch here he will go through Instapaper and starts reading something, then he will think he doesn’t have time to read it now, but he will read it later and he sends it to Instapaper, even if he is currently reading it in Instapaper. That tells you everything you need to know about Merlin!

When Merlin first met John he used to have a PC on a big piece of plywood, doing Cold Fusion, and that fucked his shit up because he had never used anything but a Mac from 1987 to 2001 and by spending a third of his time on the PC he was completely fucking up on the Mac and the PC because his hands didn’t know what to do. It is not weird that he sucked at using a PC because he was new to a PC, but even as he continued to suck at a PC he got less good at using a Mac because he was chasing two rabbits and if you chase two rabbits you lose them both.

Yesterday Merlin tried to move through the kill zone in his house, the very narrow area when you come through the front door and come up the steps and you are like in a temple granite slaughterhouse. He was carrying the most precarious collection of things, a heavy box, two light envelopes, a couple things of Seltzer and some precarious other hand-held things on top, trying to get through the door and through the kill zone, and even as he was opening the door and was walking in he was telling himself: ”I am going to fuck this up!” and he got a yard sales with stuff rolling down the steps because he was chasing five rabbits.

John still thinks that Aloha remains the secret because it did him such a job last year. It saved him on the JoCo Cruise he almost didn’t go on. It had become a source of tremendous anti-Aloha and John walked on that ship fresh off of Aloha-ness and everything that happened that would have formerly sent him, he just said: ”Aloha!” and it was tremendous! He came off the boat rested and mentally well and had not fallen prey to any of the bumps and bruises and it was noticeable. Paul Sabourin (from Paul and Storm) noticed it. John brought Aloha, rather than…

The problem is that when you try too hard to get to Aloha, you will get to the opposite of Aloha. You cannot look for a turtle. Don’t think of an elephant! You can’t take your phone snorkeling if you don’t have a snorkeling case for it.

Treating life like an obstacle course (RL371)

John said something on his twitter that Merlin really liked, talking about the dust-up about punching the seat on Delta and the leaning-back. Merlin does not / will not / shall not recline. John said he will never recline his seat (see here) and his next tweet was ”The men in my family treat life like an obstacle course” (see here), which is true, but is not true of the women in his family.

If the airline didn’t tell you that you could recline, if that button didn’t exist, would it be something you missed? The amount of enjoyment is wildly offset by the extreme inconvenience you are doing to the person behind you. Whatever it gives you, it is only the act of reclining, because as soon as you have reclined you are just as uncomfortable. It is just in the moment of pushing the button and leaning back.

The whole premise of Keep moving and get out of the way is: Do not inconvenience others! As you pass through life you are absolutely capable of getting everything you need without ever standing in between someone else and what they need. The ”and” part is the most important part because some people keep moving, some people get out of the way, but not enough people do both, but because you did one or the other you feel like you are good. You are not good, you need to do both, and you need to remember that you are part of a fucking society.

Get out of the left lane if you are not going faster or passing! Move over! Let other people drive! Always be looking for what you could do to make this better for other people that will cost you almost nothing! That is Aloha! What costs us almost nothing is reclining because it gives you almost nothing and it is a hold-over. It is like the people in the first two rows of the concert standing up when the band takes the stage. There are now 200 people who were perfectly comfortable in their seats who are forced to stand. Merlin’s grandmother would say in that case: ”You would make a better door than a window!” Bless her heart!

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License