RL235 - Where the wind lives

This week, Merlin and John talk about:

The problem: John is not an umbrella man, referring to Merlin and John agreeing that they will not use an umbrella because it is not efficient in case there is a zombie attack.

The show title refers to the Muldoon neighborhood in Anchorage that is at the end of a blunderbuss valley where the wind comes down and if you go to a certain spot you can look all the way up to where the wind lives.

They start the show in a fancy voice. Then they were singing each other’s names.

Every time you look at a picture of Hall & Oates, Hall is on the left and Oates is on the right.

Merlin made his first egg in a cup.

Draft version
The segments below are drafts that will be incorporated into the rest of the Wiki as time permits.

Merlin not able to find a jacket and the decline of outdoor gear (RL235)

Merlin's history with REI comes back to one basic point: He is looking for a modern technical article of clothing for a specific non-adventure role in his life. It should wick away sweat while being lightweight and durable. The first item he ever bought at an REI were high-tech urban outfitter cargo pants for $150 that were vogue in the late 1990s. Even in the dot-com biz they were still wearing hiking boots to work because it is an evergreen look. This sets the tone for Merlin’s REI-problem. When Merlin goes in there, he shops like a dude and barely stops moving the entire time.

He tried on a pair of shoes and they offered him this device that emulates rock, like an organic hassock, almost like the world’s worst ottoman, like if you had a stalagmite that was an ottoman. The guy was talking about things like torsion control and a wide foot base and he offered Merlin the organic hassock to tread upon to test the performance characteristics of his new footwear. He asked what Merlin was going to do with these, but Merlin just replied that these were webpage-making shoes. The guy was not mad and not exactly disappointed, but Merlin let him down because you are not supposed to tear away the veil as abruptly as Merlin did.

Merlin doesn’t go to the mall very much, but recently he went to visit some friends in Corte Madera, which is where they have 2 very nice malls: The Village and Town Center. Whenever they pass by there Merlin will suggest to his ladies to go to the mall because they have a Barnes & Nobles where you can buy some books. The Stonestown mall that is near Merlin is kind of a sad mall and it is on its way out. When he is at the mall in Corte Madera they not only go to Barnes & Nobles and he also goes to the REI because although he is very happy with the blue Marmot rain jacket they got him for his birthday a year or two ago and it is everything he could want in a jacket, it was still 16/17 years since his first REI experience where he felt like an utter poser.

Merlin wants to get some kind of a jacket that is not quite a rain jacket, not quite a Pendleton shirt, but a jacket that a man would wear and not look like he is cosplaying some role, although he has nothing against cosplay, larping or fronting the face of an extreme mountain. Merlin looked at every single item they had in their jacket section and he almost made them late for dinner because he was determined to find something and it wasn’t even a money-thing. There has got to be something where he doesn’t look like he takes Yoga but something that looks like he would wear it. Merlin’s default cosplay is a Carhartt / Dickie look like a lesbian janitor.

Merlin wants to communicate as little as possible with his look and he wants not be noticed in a way that is comfortable. It shouldn’t look too much like a rain jacket, because he already got a good rain jacket and he needs something for when it is maybe going to rain, but probably not. It should be warm, but not polar, he likes some pockets and a velcro sleeve dingus, but he doesn’t mind snaps because they are a little classier.

One of the jackets was from a company called Kühl but it had a Yoga construction worker vibe. REI apparently has their own bespoke brand of super-fancy called Arc’teryx, but those jackets are $750, which is a little bit out of Merlin’s price range. He walked out of there feeling kind of sad and he ended up buying nothing, which is okay, but he is frustrated with himself because he has trouble finding the clothes that are for him. Sears is not going to carry the Trump stuff anymore, Macy’s are not doing great and Merlin doesn’t know where to turn because he doesn’t want to buy things on the Internet because that seems weird.

John says that Merlin has hit on the decline and fall of outdoor gear. There was a time when you could bet your life on this equipment and you could be hanging from that zipper dangling off a rock somewhere in Germany with your Jägermeister in your pocket. It was the sweet-spot after things had progressed from wool and wax-cotton. There were new fabrics and there was this new science so that we didn't have to wear Helly Hanson rubber every time we go out into the rain. Instead we could start wearing lighter breathable fabrics that have technology and wick away sweat.

Those items were still built in the fashion and with the accoutrements of earlier coats. Years and years of time-tested apparel design went into the actual shape of the garment and the situation of the pockets, the shape of the hood, the use of certain kind of clasp, and heavy zippers. Now we had these new fabrics and now we could have a jacket that was red, holy cow! Merlin was thinking about when ski gear changed at some point in the 1970s. Before they came out with these sassy colors in those more light-weight garments they had to get bundled up with all these layers to go play in the snow and they looked like Ralphie’s brother in Christmas Story.

Merlin’s wife calls her exercise clothes technical gear which is where things got off the rails. Merlin is not alone writing software code in his technical gear and 999 in 1000 people who buy stuff that is advertised with a photograph of someone summiting Machu Picchu have never summited Machu Picchu and they never will! Because you don’t know if it is going to rain and it could be 60 degrees (15°C) when you go out the door and 40 degrees (4°C) and hailing by the time you get to where you were going, you want something that doesn't make you look like a dope who is not prepared. You want to be prepared for anything even if you are not leaving the house!

Merlin’s daughter likes umbrellas, but Merlin is above that and he got a hood and his personal will to power. In a Walking Dead scenario where you are supposed to walk amongst the dead and find a community of survivors, are you going to carry a fucking umbrella? Not unless it is a poison tip umbrella or unless it replaces your hand that is chopped off and you have taped your umbrella to your hand to become Umbrella Man, just like the guy at the Kennedy assassination: Why is he there?

Arc’teryx is not an REI brand, but they are a Canadian super-adventure-tech brand that is made in Bangladesh. If you pick up one of those jackets for $750, it is like you become lighter. The jacket is so light that it takes 20 pounds away from you and there will be a bounce in your step. John cannot personally pay $800 for a technical jacket and can only longingly paw through those things. He can’t even justify the cost of a Patagonia jacket which is only $450. It is like expensive wine that is lost on Merlin.

John does not remember the first time he went to REI, because he was going to REI when he was a little kid and he grew up in there. His dad was a very early member of REI and he knew all those people personally. He and Jim Whittaker would be high-fiving and joshing when they met. In Anchorage the REI was sort of the general store and it was almost a social place where you would run into 1-7 people you knew. Somebody was there for cross-country ski wax, somebody was there because they needed 5 new pairs of wool socks, and John needed some kind of shoe laces.

They also had the so called attic that they later called the basement and then the attic again, and they had one of those Nordstrom policies where you could return anything. Somebody would buy a pair of roller blades, use them once, break their arm and bring them back. Then you could get a pair or roller blades that had been used once for 1/8 of the cost. John got his only pair or roller blades there, but he was an early adopter and got them very early on.

REI felt like a family operation and a general store. They are still a cooperative and they will send John a check at the end of each year for his small portion of the profits which he then can take down to REI and get himself a new headlamp. John has 40 headlamps in his house because they never die and they are an easy Christmas present. Back in the day there would be a bin of them by the cash register and you would go ”You know who would like a headlamp for Christmas? John Roderick!” and it would be in the stockings and John never said that he already had one, but he was always thrilled to get one. Merlin spent more on flashlights than he should, it is in the 2-digit range and it is not always a cheap thing.

There was a moment when John started to feel alien in an REI which was a devastating time! He felt out of place and estranged, he would wander around and all the technical fabrics and the pressure to have new stuff every season turned adventure gear into this novel solution. They were looking for an inexpensive way to manufacture it while still maintaining the false front that it was super-durable, but it is technical without being durable and they want it to blow up on you because they want you to get a new one after 5 years.

John is not saying that REI was generating this situation from within their cooperative heart, but it is a pandemic of outdoor gear. Merlin has heard 3rd hand from a friend of a friend who worked at the Limited girls’ clothing store, also a Canadian brand, that they famously had a very permissive return policy at the time. You could bing in pretty much anything and exchange it, even if they wouldn’t give you cash. Most of the stuff is very inexpensive to make and they have quite a markup on it, so there is wiggle room to do exchanges. People who came in for a free exchange to put it to the man ended up buying stuff along with it. Hakuna Matata! The music goes around and pretty soon everybody is wearing nothing but Limited. You are basically wearing Limited or returning Limited all the time.

John used to take his shoes back to Nordstrom and get a new pair of shoes, wear them out and take them back to Nordstrom again. He was poor but he still felt like he should shop at Nordstrom. Eventually he brought a pair back to a shoe-salesman about his age who said ”I think you have gotten a lot of use out of these shoes, didn't you?” and he shamed John into taking these shoes and walking out the door. The salad days were over! He didn’t say ”No!”, but he employed some tactics that were much more effective than ”No!” and he influenced John in a way that so never did it again. John doesn’t take anything back now, but if he buys something and it doesn’t work for him, he takes it to the thrift store.

At one point REI expanded from just mountain alpine to prosumer goods, which happened to Eddie Bauer as well. They became more and more prosumer until they prosumered their way right out of the pro and just became sumer. REI still has enough pro that you can call them prosumer, but there is a lot of sumer in their pro!

The sailing community is a forgotten side of the adventure sports community. Those people go on some gnarly adventures and one might even say that getting on a sail boat already is an adventure because a sail boat can sink at any time and then where are you? What if you hit a shipping container in the middle of the South-Indian ocean? Merlin’s lady is from very nautical sailing people and one of Merlin’s brothers in law installs high-end electronics like navigation systems, communication systems and often enough the entertainment systems into high-end seacraft. She got her dad’s old Helly Hansen jacket which was in beautiful condition and it was her go-to giant rain-jacket. It had a thing to string a rope through, how cool is that!

Sailing is the one place where there are still all these brands you have never heard of in the outdoor adventure gear world. You got a whole different group of people you are trying to communicate with and sailers know if you are trying to get away with double duty. Were you recently skiing? I was just sailing and that is why I’m wearing this Gill or Zhik or Henri Lloyd outfit. If you show up in a sailing identifying jacket in San Francisco, 99% of the people are just writing code for computers and they are not going to know the difference. For Merlin, a lot of these don’t even read as sailing gear.

Lesbian haircuts (RL235)

Lesbians have the best haircut and Merlin would kill for a lesbian haircut. Merlin’s friend Alex (probably Alex Cox) is going to a Supercut and has a great haircut, so he now also thinks about going to a Supercut. Hair is like grass, it grows back. John has been following the phenomenon of the lesbian haircut for 27 years and he can’t account for it.

Getting a wiggle room instead of a panic room (RL235)

If John would be designing a giant mansion right now, he would build a wiggle room instead of a panic room. Why has nobody done this? Build a fucking wiggle room! First, it gives it wiggle room, it says it right there on the tin, and then who doesn’t want a room where that is expressly the point of it? Go in there and wiggle! You got kids? Go in the wiggle room! Also on Friday nights when you and the lady are looking for a bit of estrange, you can go down to the wiggle room! Why is this not a thing?

Zombies (RL235)

They shortly talk about zombies and how they behave. The great thing about a post-apocalypse environment is that you get to build your own Mad Max armor. You get to throw together some bits and bobs made of old cans, you can get a helmet made of a water bottle, or you can get a hockey helmet.

Being member of loyalty programs (RL235)

When Merlin is at the check-out, he doesn’t want to talk about coupons, which is a whole separate issue he had to deal with at the mall. He doesn’t want to talk to people. He doesn’t want to know that this coupon is good today, he doesn’t want the coupon, and when he used the coupon he doesn’t want them to talk to him about the coupon, he doesn’t want them to tell him that they are going to give him the coupon to hang on to the coupon because he can still use it until February 14th. Do you have a Barnes & Noble membership card? No, I don’t. We can sign you up today and you can get a MasterCard. Merlin wants to be anywhere but talking about his coupon!

Merlin has a Safeway number, but he doesn’t use it much. He frequently uses his Walgreens number because it is on his watch which makes it easy and it happens that something he is purchasing at Walgreens is at their Rock Bottom prices, but he only gets the discount if he scans his watch. Merlin has an REI number, but he doesn’t have it with him. He got a San Francisco Zoo card in his wallet because he belongs to the zoo and he upgrades that every year.

Merlin also used to belong to the Academy of Sciences, but that is super-expensive. Merlin and John have been there together!They have a shark, they have a great aquarium, and they have an albino alligator that you are not allowed to take pictures of. Merlin also got a library card that he uses very frequently, and several sandwich cards. A couple/three times a week he goes to a place in his neighborhood with his daughter and he got 5 full cards and is going to put that place out of business at some point. They make a pastrami sandwich with crab salad.

John's mom joins every loyalty program there is. They are all coded into her phone number which John happens to know, so if these cupcakes are $0.99 off if you have a loyalty card, then John beep-boops her number and if there is any benefit to accrue, she can accrue it. John is paying in and she can use those points, but he doesn’t have to deal with it.

A way back there was a movement called Safeway Parties where people would swap Safeway cards. Every time you meet a friend you would swap Safeway cards because the discount is identical and it screws with their chronographics and data-gathering. Once you figure out how old somebody is and what they do, you can tailor so many things to them, it is culture jamming! When John goes to the supermarket, they are receiving two pieces of information: One is coming from an 82 year old woman who is coming to the grocery store every single day to buy a completely random old-lady set of things, because John’s mom is not a normal old lady who knows what she buys. Then John goes in there and the only things he buys anywhere is chocolate cake and creamer for his coffee. His mom is up at 5am and she is at the store the moment it opens. She is old-school and likes to go to the store every day, just like Merlin. At 11:45pm, 15 minutes before the store closes, she comes back and buys chocolate cake and Half & Half. How do we tailor the circulars?

Keeping all the keycards from all hotels (RL235)

Dan Savage keeps every single key card from every hotel he stays in. Because he tours extensively during his Savage Love Shows, he does speaking, and he goes out with his ”It Gets Better” campaign, he has been all over the world and he has collected not just one stack of keycards, but he had to then move over to a second stack. His two enormous stacks of keycards are part of a very small group of things he keeps right on his mantel. As soon as you leave the hotel you no longer know by looking at the key card when you stayed there and what it was about. It is meaningless because it tells nothing. A lot of them are just blank. Maybe if John had a keycard reader he could put it in and it would say something about him?

Is there some out there who keeps all the fabs Dan Savage style, not only hotel keycards? Maybe they will carry around a keychain full of fabs? There is a key culture and there are people with 900 keys on their key ring, but there has got to be a fab culture. People keep giving John fabs that are the size and shape of a cookie.

Merlin’s grandpa always used to grab a book of matches and put it in a Brandy snifter on top of the TV. John inherited that exact same collection from his dad and now he has a giant urn of 1960s and 1970s matchbooks which he cannot use because of course he treasures them. You got a match? No, I’m sorry! John also has a swizzle stick.

They talk about hotels who certainly use the data they get from you using your key card to gather traffic patterns. They have very low margins and turning rooms over with housekeeping is surely the biggest cost center. John is a late checkout guy. A lot of places have taken the mini-bars out of the rooms, because it was more costly to maintain them than the money they were making. It wasn’t even worth the labor of the guy knocking at your door at 10:45 checking the minibar.

There is no Deli in Seattle (RL235)

There is not a single fucking god-damn Deli in Seattle, not one! There are places that purport to be Delis, like ”Real Authentic New York City Deli” but you wonder if anyone in there has ever been to New York, because a New York style Deli is a wonderful thing and this is not it. There are even some simple things to rectify in an afternoon if you had ever been to New York or knew at all what you were talking about!

Seattle used to have a vibrant Jewish community right in the center of town. Now the orthodox community has moved South of town, but somehow inexplicably they have not built any Delis down there, probably because orthodox does something else and they don’t need to get Maze soup in a neighborhood, John doesn't know where they are doing it. There used to be a premiere brand QFC grocery store with a very large kosher section. After they closed Safeway picked up the slack and now the main Safeway of the hood has a kosher section.

This Safeway in the South End, which is America’s most diverse zip code (which is probably not true anymore) is trying to be all things to all people. Over here you got a Jewish Deli section, over there you got no soup, and there is a big isle that appears to just be Menudo. At Merlin’s Safeway there is a Deli that is one step above a 7-Eleven Hot Bar, it sells basically uniformly golden-brown foods and salads from a 5-gallon drum and frozen seafood, fuck that! They have an isle called "International", which says everything you need to know about America today. At least it didn’t say "Foreign". If you are from anywhere in the continent of Asia, here are 11 feet of shelves that might interest you.

Transportation ticket systems (RL235)

In San Francisco you can get a Clipper card for public transportation that you can put money on. A lot of people don’t know that they can go in and see their history where they have travelled and when they ran their card. In Seattle they have Orca Cards because the Orca is the symbol of the Northwest. It allows you to travel everywhere and you bloop your card when you enter and then unbloop your card when you get to where you were going, which is the same on BART, but different from MUNI where it charges you $2.25 when you run your card and you can ride as much as you want for 90 minutes. With BART it charges you when you get off and run your card again to get out.

Seattle is like Amsterdam and there is no turnstile, but you just get on. As an honest person you bloop your card, but if you are not you are a scofflaw and you ride it until some security officer comes on, starts walking down the thing and wants to see everybody’s thing. If you haven’t blooped it you go to subway prison! In Amsterdam they have as many enforcement officers as the train has doors and one person gets on each door. They don’t check people who get off at that stop and the scofflaws are paying attention and getting off if they see the officers who are only grabbing the scofflaws who are not paying attention.

The two things Merlin sweats are the library and MUNI. He pays full adult fare for his daughter because he can’t be bothered to buy a kids’ card downtown and so it costs them $5 each time they ride the train. When it beeps because he ran out of credit, he is scurrying to the front of the train to pay cash because he feels so guilty. John never un-boops his card which means he probably pays full fare everywhere.

John’s mom screaming at a phone tree (RL235)

When John’s mom’s printer stopped working she called the help line and made it through the phone tree. She put in her home address, the number on the printer and all the stuff and when she finally got to somebody who had never heard of her, she needed to tell them all that information again and after she had talked to that person for 20 minutes and they were struggling to solve her problem she got cut off. She called the thing back and as the first voice came on saying ”Hello, welcome to Epson!” she yelled into the phone: ”I just spent 70 minutes talking to your person… ” and it clicked immediately to an operator. She felt like she had discovered a hack! If you yell at the phone, it will understand and will take you immediately to an operator.

In the 1990s, the early days of phone trees, everybody learned that if you will hit 0 over and over it will go through eventually, but now your options have changed. Merlin hasn’t tried this in a while because he can’t be helped and he won’t call places anymore, but if you scream the F-word repeatedly, it will cut you over to an operator. You could probably be yelling Tom Bombadil and it would take you over, or Tom Bombadil would show up, which would also be cool. He may be the oldest living thing, the personification of nature, and there is some suggestion that he is older than the rings, older than the oldest elves and he is chosen to live self-constrained on his little plot. If John could conjure him and he would show up at his house, he would say ”Tom, I can’t find my computer!” Tom never seems to get bored except by the ring because it doesn’t affect him. They have a short aside about elves and dwarfs in different movies.

Real Estate prices in Joshua Tree (RL235)

In Joshua Tree you can buy 50 acres (200.000 sqm) of land for $5000 or for $1 million, but both plots are indistinguishable as far as John can see even after looking at 24 pictures of each of them. There is no water at either one of them, there is nothing green on either one of them, they both look like the surface of Mars and both of them have manufactured homes situated on them with enough parking space for 40 vehicles. Unlike every other place, you really would need to get a local by the short hairs, walk them out there and ask why this one is $5000 and this one is $1 million. Then they are going to say that the $5000 one is haunted by the ghosts of their ancestors and the $1 million is where the ancestors had wiggle room.

In Seattle you buy a lot, get a bulldozer in there, flatten out the dirt, maybe dig a hole, and you build a house. In Joshua Tree you would have to use dynamite just to clear a space for the bulldozer because it is all lava there. John came very close to abandoning the idea of having a vacation home in Joshua Tree in one session. He was confused enough that he thought he would just Air B&B a place. Another rule of thumb in these rainy climates is to not buy the geographically lowest house.

Seeing up to where the wind lives (RL235)

There is a gap in the mountains outside of Anchorage like a giant wind tunnel that funnels the entire wind down through the valley, pointed at a neighborhood called Muldoon like a blunderbuss. The gap is not straight on and you don’t see a valley pointed at you when you look at the mountains, but it looks like a contiguous mountain range with lots of interesting depth to it. Somewhere up there is a spot where you can look all the way up to where the wind lives.

When the wind really gets cooking there, which it does every 8 years, they call it sustained gusts, which seems to be contradiction in terms because a gust is by definition not sustained, but sustained gusts are hurricane-force winds that are picking up trailer homes and destroying them, taking them up to the sky never to be seen again, including the yapping dogs inside. Why does the wind hate trailer homes? Because those are the only things that get build in that area, probably for this very reason. It is the tornado alley, the wind kill zone.

How city grids came to be (RL235)

Merlin often thinks about land and why people decide to settle there. Often it is near a body of water that can be used for shipping. Often it is not on top of a mountain because it would be hard to build a house there. Why is it there at the river? Because this is the place where you could cross the river and everywhere else on that river it would be much harder to cross it. This part of the river is also running fastest so they could build a wheel and use it for power. Somebody should have tried to teach that to Merlin in school, but they were busy asking what year the war of 1812 was. They are trying to tick off boxes and they don't sit there like ”Let’s think about this! Let’s take a look and see and dream! Let’s dream!”

Even the hippie teachers didn’t have permission to dream and Merlin's dreams were thwarted and capped. Now we have even lost the knowledge that there once were dreams. Nobody in school is asking why Cincinnati was built on the Ohio river. In wasn’t even called Cincinnati or the Ohio river at one point! When people come into a turf and are taking a territory away from somebody who might already be there, they are not bouncing them off of their territory that they spent 900 years figuring out was the best to build something 1,5 miles away just to be different, but they are bouncing them off of their best land to build their thing there.

Merlin lived mostly in the Northwest part of Cincinnati and he wasn’t there when he was of driving age. In every city there is typically a major thoroughfare that starts in the old part of town and doesn’t conform to the grid. It is the street they built along the Indian trail because that was obviously the best route. Then they built the town around it and needed to turn it into a grid, but they couldn’t do that to Waka road, because all the buildings were on that road already.

In San Francisco that would be Market Street. Seattle is very confusingly built the following way: The early settlers all claimed a certain portion of what became Downtown Seattle. One person thought that the roads should be parallel to the water, like 1st Avenue, 2nd Avenue, which made sense, because there was a fairly even shore, but it does not point North/South, but Northwest/Southeast. Another person thought that the streets should be oriented true North/South, so he started building North/South on his claim. A third person thought that the roads should just be according to their own whim. There might even have been a 4th person who thought that the roads should go according to the ridge of the hill.

When the city grew up enough that these areas needed to be connected, nobody wanted to tear down the other person’s whole neighborhood and rebuild it because it was dumb. They just connected it all and the streets go every which way, like a broken window or if you gave LSD to a Spider. The main thoroughfares are Denny Way, which goes all the way up and over and down, named after Mr. Denny, and then there is Boren Avenue, which goes cattywampus kanoodle the other way and is named after Mr. Boren. Then you got James Street, named after Mr. James and Yessler Way, named after Mr. Yessler. They are all going their own go. If you know what you are doing you can go from Denny to Boren to Yessler and you get there a lot faster. If you don’t know what you are doing and just drive down one street with a number, it will take you somewhere else and you are a fool who will not get there. In New York City you got your Broadway from hither to dither.

John visiting the Bronx (RL235)

A couple of months ago, John finally went on a self-guided tour through Bronx proper because he was giving a tour of New York to his Millennial Girlfriend. They were coming back from up North, from Poughkeepsie or something, and they saw the Bronx down here off the Freeway. John started giving her a description of the long-storied history of ”Fort Apache, The Bronx” and she said that she wanted to see it. Generally you don’t see the Bronx, but you just refer to the Bronx, point to it on a map or look at it as you go over it on the Freeway.

She preferred to get off the Freeway and see the Bronx which John found to be fun, so they drove around the Bronx all night long which was extraordinary! There is a lot going on there that you wouldn’t know by looking at it on a map. John learned two new things: 1) Listen to what his Millennial Girlfriend says and 2) Go to the Bronx. Millennials are not only changing the way wine is sold, but they are changing our idea of how we interact with the Bronx. We have a lot to thank the Millennials for! John is learning every single day.

Bearnie Bros don't exist (RL235)

40 different people wrote John emails telling him not to use the term Bearnie Bro because it is racist against Bearnie Bros who btw don’t exist. It is equivalent to racism because everything that hurts your feelings now is equivalent to racism. ”We have switched this generation’s racism! Folgers Crystals! Let’s see if they notice.” - ”Hey, he never asks for another cup of my racism!” - ”We prefer Bearnie-Americans”

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