The sex-life of small animals (RL14)

Bonobos have a lot of intercourse, mostly for self-soothing. Look at their little faces! They look really nervous and are full of anxiety. Merlin had a friend with a really tiny Chihuahua. The smaller they get, the more annoying they are! A lot of people claim that they have a medium-sized dog like a Scotty, but it could as well be a Chihuahua in a wig, which is one of Merlin’s favorite Morrissey songs. Merlin feels sympathy for shivering Chihuahuas, but he doesn’t like them. Every time his friend's dog was just a little bit anxious, which was always, he would go into the other room and fuck the shit of a little stuffed Winnie the Pooh. There was some guilt and a lot of extremely nervous quivering anxiety involved as the dog humped this helpless little Honey Bear.

John has a friend in Seattle with one of these little Scotty dogs who used to hump a fuzzy pillow. John is talking about the dog, but the friend probably also does this, but not when John is around. At one time, they were standing there laughing at the dog when it leaned back in just the right moment and came across the room. It was a total air shot of like 14 feet (4 meters)! They were incredulous while the dog walked away like ”My work here is done!” It was one of the most beautiful things John had ever seen. It was like when a killer whale slaps a seal with his tail out of the water and the seal is 30 feet (10 meters) in the air, spinning ass over teakettle while the killer whale is just watching it happen.

One time, John was driving through Manhattan and at Lexington and 70th he saw a guy in a perfectly tailored suit with pegged trousers so you couldn’t even imagine how he got his feet through the pants. There was no pee stain and no tomato sauce on his tie. He was 6 feet tall (180 cm) and 140 lb (63 kg) soaking wet, walking down the street with a 3 inch high (7,5 cm) Chihuahua that was prancing like an Austrian horse, his little toes barely touching the ground. People were literally getting out of this dog’s way! The crowd on the sidewalk was parting and the dog was marching with more confidence than John has ever seen in any animal. He was leading this suited man down the street! John admired that little dog and wishes he had half his confidence.

Merlin says that you can always tell when a dog is pooping, because will look guilty. Like a deers at a watering hole they are very vulnerable! John does not agree, because a dog can start to run with half a shit hanging out of their ass, while a human would rather get killed than do that, because their capacity for embarrassment is greater than their survival instinct. If John wasn’t afraid to run down the street with half a shit hanging out of his ass, he would have been all over Bob Wood's mom. Bob would have come out of his room with his Nikes on and would have been ”Oh no!”

Spirit Animals (RW16)

When it comes to his spirit animal, John oscillates between the raven and the raccoon. The problem is that ravens do not want that honor and they drop whatever they are bringing him and fly away immediately. Looking up and seeing it fly away can not be your relationship with your spirit animal. Also, ravens are very social while John is only marginally social. Raccoons on the other hand are much more akin to John because they lurk around at night and when John meets some of them, he will corner them and has some stuff to talk to them. They rarely hiss and rarely try to get away, but maybe they are going to their friends afterwards, talking about him in a way that shows him less respect than he is due. Five times a week, John gets sent that article about the little girl who made friends with a raven who is bringing her little buttons, rocks and animal bones. It happened in Seattle, meaning those are John's ravens, but no raven has ever brought him a button!

John had a lot of encounters with dogs, cats, rodents, mountain goats, moose, and bear, but none of them feels like his spirit animal. Golden dragons might be his spirit animals, but those are imaginary. Owls appear to John in dreams, but he can never find them outside. Calling owls his spirit animals would also be fairly presumptuous, because an owl is keeping its own council. It would be like saying that your spirit animal is the bald eagle. Really? You are so fucking majestic? A bald eagle can grab a 20 pound salmon out of the water! You have to be Leonardo diCaprio in The Revenant to have a bald eagle as your spirit animal. Most people's spirit animals are guinea pigs or earthworms. The question is what you deserve. Maybe John's spirit animal is the marmot, a beaver-sized rodent or the marmoset, a small hand-held monkey. A pine marten is like a small wolverine that lives in the trees. John is not sure about the marmoset, but the pine marten, a ferocious, but cute little tree dwelling weasel is a thing he could employ.

John wanting to get a Norwegian Forest Cat (RL272)

The breed of cat that Merlin’s daughter would like to get and that he has no intention of getting became acknowledged as a breed in 1967, during Merlin’s lifetime. It is called Exotic Shorthair and looks like a cartoon, one of those fake-cat faces that are not a real thing!

The cat that John is trying to get is a Norwegian Forest cat. It looks like a cat you don’t want to mess with and there is a video called ”Norwegian Forest Cat chasing fox”. This type of cat is enormous fox-killers as big as a dog. It is a hypoallergenic cat. There is a desire to own one of these animals in John’s family. his mom says that she is going to buy the cat and John got no say in what the cat is or what the cat does. As John was about to give his thoughts how this cat should be, his mom told him that he doesn’t get to say. John is pro-Norwegian Forest cat and wants a little bit more to do with the process, but that is not part of his purview. The type of cat Merlin’s daughter wants would not survive outside, while the Norwegian Forest cat would only come in to sit on everything to make sure you know it is the owner, which John really approves of. No matter who claims to own this cat, the cat will claim John as its owner and will want to interact primarily with him. Merlin found a particularly good one on the Internet (Picture) that would keep vermin out of your house by pure energy.

The problem with the Norwegian Forest cat is that they are some prized breed and you have to pay $700 for a neutered and decrepit one who has already hunted a bunch of foxes and lost an ear. John wants a breeding one, a kitten that he is going to put out to stud. His mom suspects that you probably can’t even get one that isn’t neutered because they don’t want to water down the breed by some normal out there with a breeding cat. It is like those people who go to their local Democratic party district meeting every month to use Robert’s Rules of Order on one another. They are like crazy train set people, but instead of having train sets or a radio, they go to Democratic party meetings. You think they are nuts, but when it comes time to nominate and elect a candidate to public office, it turns out that they are the ones. They manage to accrue power to themselves because nobody else cares enough and they end up running the Democratic party! The people who don't want you to have a breeding cat are the people running the Democratic party of Norwegian Forest cat.

John’s mom has been monitoring Norwegian Forest cats on a regular basis, but has recently dropped it because she decided she needed a new couch and so they have been going to couch stores looking for new couches. John is like Merlin: He doesn’t want a couch that is out of scale or that looks like it is full of dander. He doesn’t want his mom to get the wrong couch either.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License