In Episode 52, Adam hoped that one day there will be a sizzle reel of all the fun Ben-introductions to the show, daisy-chained together.
Welcome to Friendly Fire, the war movie podcast…
1: Three dummies who never went to war reviewing some war movies.
2: A movie podcast where we watch war movies.
3: The podcast that talks about a different war movie every week with two movie nuts and a war history nut.
4: (Adam hijacking the mic) hosted by three cowards talking about bravery (Ben having prepared an intro anyway) It is a show where we decide what is a war movie and what is a snore movie.
5: … where we review war movies, and yet: You are here listening to it!
6: … where two of the hosts are tunneling for freedom, but won't let me in on the escape plan.
7: The show that can't train with weapons, so we train with staves.
8: The show with the hosts who are making a desperate last stand after the other 1200 podcasters fell in battle.
9: It is a show who's hosts are ready to be sold on the idea of surrender.
BONUS: … that we are just going to keep making unless you eventually try to negotiate with us.
10: The show where the hosts were trained to review films about office dramas, but here we are reviewing films about war.
11: … our grandfathers tried and failed to teach us to make, but we are here doing it anyway.
12: The podcast that plays dirty dirty football, but reviews war movies very seriously.
13: … we were only supposed to do for one week in a month and two weeks a year until this George Bush guy became president.
14: … that is so secret, we are willing to beat up a dozen MPs just to keep quiet.
15: … that sounds like it is going to be a right-wing fever dream, but winds up being a touching parable of friendship and camaraderie.
16: … that always makes us hungry, and when we get hungry we reach for a Subway brand sandwich. Whether you are casting pod or engage in insurgent warfare, Subway is always sure to satisfy. Subway: Eat Fresh!
17: … who's hosts can never just drop rank and be friends with each other anymore.
18: Bienvenue à Friendly Fire, le podcast du film de guerre qui n'a pas peur de montrer la brutalité des deux côtés, e un effet la façon dont la guerre de puis les deux côtés de leur humanité. (Welcome to Friendly Fire, the war movie podcast that is not afraid to show the brutality of both sides and the effects of the war on both sides was humanity)
19: … that crash-landed during our first sortie and has been broadcasting from behind enemy lines ever since.
20: … that won't fight because the last podcast we fought with was blinded.
21: … that crayed to get into heaven, but got a rainstorm instead.
22: … that you are only hearing today because the machine is still on, Moira!
23: … that is not putting its weight on the load-bearing parts of the roof.
24: … with three hosts who are ready to impress you with our choreographed answer to enter Susie Q.
25: … that has become a great leader and talks about itself in the third person despite not really having an accent.
26: … where all three hosts have swallowed radios and won't turn them off.
27: … the only war movie podcast hosted by guys who became blood brothers immediately after meeting each other and that is really starting to backfire.
28: We didn't start this war movie podcast to shoot elephants, but today we will make an exception.
29: If you take us out, another war movie podcast will just take our place.
30: … that got a really bad feeling about man (said in a strange intonation).
31: … that could easily be confused with screwy noises coming from the hydrophone.
32: … where we start telling an awful lot of stories, but rarely finish them in a satisfying way.
33: … using the tropes of the monomyth to exploit deep pathways in the human brain for vast returns on investment, because capitalism perverts even artistic expression to its own ends.
34: … we record as we pedal our Weyland-Yutani brand big wheel tricycles all over LV-426.
35: … that has found its Rickles.
36: … in whom the English have limited confidence, so instead of the weapons we asked for they sent us radios.
37: … we shouldn't be sharing with you, but you are a good audience and you have got a right to know.
38: … where ”We made a mistake and some guy don’t walk away. Forever more you don’t walk away!”
39: … that is what happens when you cut the head off a chicken.
40: … where John Roderick will eventually have to order one of his two co-hosts to their certain death, but which will it be?
41: It took 200 years to turn out these other war movie podcasts, it took us 90 days.
42: … where the hosts never went to any academy, but we conquered more than 40 films on our own!
43: … where one host wears yellow, one host wears red and one host wears blue 100% of the time.
44: It would be a pleasure to go to the front in a war movie podcast like this.
45: The Army has its logic, but this war movie podcast has its own.
46: … the can not play this kind of game ourselves, but we can always - how you say - looking for those things quite different, quite rare (in a pretend French accent).
47: … that can be compared to a military operation only in so far as it never goes according to the plan.
48: … that is bullshit, but it is very very good bullshit.
49: Under the circumstances it is impossible to tell the difference between this and a friendly war movie podcast.
50: … where the carpet always matches the drapes.
51: … that is here to serve the public trust, protect the innocent, uphold the law, but also a secret fourth thing.
52: … that is the last refuge of the scoundrel.
53: … that isn't allowed to die until it has killed ten other podcasts.
54: … that has its masturbation papers signed in triplicate.
55: The war movie show that puts all of the rotten eggs of podcasting in one basket.
56: … that is viviendo en mal tiempo (”living in the bad times”, should be ”viviendo en los malos tiempos”)
57: … that was just supposed to take pictures.
58: … the war movie podcast that is better than being crucified on the Tree of Woe, but only slightly.
59: … that is like dog: If we will piss on a movie once, we will piss on it twice.
60: … where the intelligence is always bad.
61: … that is a glorified postal service delivering three packages with no protection.
62: … who’s hosts are either in shock or covered in tomato soup.
63: … broadcasting to you live from the punishment hut.
64: … featuring not one, but two future governors.
65: … where the coke is thick, but the ideology is thicker.
66: … where the hosts dunk on each other to the point of being quite irked.
67: The evacuation of Whosehoosts shall not take place! I repeat: Shall not take place!
68: … who’s hosts give first-class husband kisses.
69: … that every week the hosts wonder: "Is this necessary?" and every week we decide: "Yes, our customs are sacred!"
70: … where the hosts knock back glasses of frosty cold milk like there is no tomorrow!
71: … the grooviest war movie podcast ever to be put down on sizzle platters!
72: … who’s hosts are never going to dig in sand for anything ever again!
73: … funded by listener contributions because our Dowry-based business model totally failed.
74: … with enough bang to send us all to Jesus.
75: … hosted by three bomb technicians. If you see us running from a war film, try to catch up!
76: On dragons in the wind I take flight, under one war movie podcast the world unites!
77: … that is working through the night because the Nazis and the Facists won our weep.
78: … that is like a radio show for talking to God, only you download it off the Internet and you can listen whenever you want.
79: … that puts all his rotten eggs in one basket.
80: … that sees it so you don't have to, but you know: Maybe sometimes you should!
81: … with the hosts who are three armor-plated motherfuckers!
82: … that is not like being inside God’s thoughts.
83: … that is most assuredly not the conduct of a gentleman.
84: … where the hosts are still trying to figure out what the filmmaker was trying to say when the hero of the film stared at the ”Thou shalt not kill!” commandment for the first 10 minutes of the movie!
85: … whose hosts you might think are alive, but you are wrong: We died a long time ago! "Let them kill us!"
86: … that will deliver just as soon as the hosts give a great big poussey (?).
87: … recorded from a studio where the walls are coated in motor oil and soup croutons.
88: … that is less an exploration of history through the cinema of war than a paean to the most important members of our society, the Baby Boom generation.
89: … that is the only place that you can hear a review of Zero Dark Thirty by three dork zeroes.
90: … the hosts of which simply must get ahold of some of these malted milk machines. Not to mention: There was hot dogs!
91: … where one of the hosts used to skipper a bowl of spaghetti in a bathtub, too!
92: … that will never be defeated as long as one of the hosts is left alive, even though their humanity is somewhat debatable.
93: … that knows that revolutions are not fuelled by postings on YouTube, but in fact three white guys sitting around, talking about a war movie.
94: This ain't a war movie podcast, it is a death trap!
95: … where… I mean… fuck, you know… like: What? Wow! Heavy… didn't see this one coming!
96: … that can not control the power it holds!
97: … that believes in better download numbers through intimidation.
98: … where we live by the edict: "Why buy clothes when you can podcast naked?"
99: … that with beauty such as ours, this network is rich beyond comparison!
100: "Welcome to episode 100 of Friendly Fire! In my several years of recording I have never seen a war movie podcast that is so crowded with infamous falsehoods and distortions on a scale so huge that I never imagined until today that anyone on this planet was capable of listening to 100 episodes of it."
101: … that don’t mean nothing, man, not a thing!
102: A little lipstick is the only way to forget what is going on in this war movie podcast!
103: … with excellent prospects for drowning!
104: … that is only for people who are really hurt!
105: … that is like The Company: They gave it the right name!
106: … that doesn't want your sacrament!
107: … that is the bloodiest podcast in human history!
108: … we have to record 10 minutes at a time and when we step out of the studio we are covered with lichens and blood from head to toe, but we do it out of our sense of duty to each other and the Union of Soviet Maximum Fun Socialist Podcasts.
109: … that hopes this will be a good episode. Hope can be a dangerous thing!
110: … that is never not having trouble with putting the landing gear down.
111: … that wishes this guy would quit telling his stupid story about the stupid desert and just die already!
112: … with the hosts that are crude, undisciplined, and the most ill-mannered podcasters you have ever encountered.
113: … that has been in trouble in every deep-water port in the world
114: … that hopes God gives us the strength to love this episode when it comes out.
115: … that used to believe in a lot of things that we don't believe in anymore.
116: … that leaves no wounded for the Turks.
117: … with the hosts that can mix daring with timidity, can be outrageous with an air of humility, and presumptuous with a tone of deference.
118: … that every week provides an exciting new answer to the question: "With every one of us a genius, how can we fail?"
119: … that thinks it is here to kick some ass, but is actually probably here to fall out of a helicopter.
120: … that toasts heroic horses' asses everywhere!
121: … that is feeling very seen in this episode.
122: … that has your heart in our hands.
123: … that when you have listened a little longer you will find out you've got to have the guts to host.
124: … that is like the natural functions: revolting, but inevitable.
125: … where two hosts are wearing seersucker suits with black belts and shoes, and the other one isn't.
126: … that has got just what the ministry is looking for: Authenticity and optimism.
127: the war-movie pawedcast that is all about paws because this time it is a dog episode (Ben forgot to write one and did it on the fly)
128: … that sustains itself on a healthy diet of creamed rubber gloves.
129: … that is broadcasting our propaganda from the capital of the People's Republic of Maximum Fun.
130: … that wants to know who we would be saluting, if we saluted.
131: (in a Yorkshire accent) What you young Flibbertigibbets don't seem to realize is: This is very important war movie podcast indeed!
132: … that when we die, and die we shall, our transition will be to the sound of <clapping hands>
133: … that qualifies as TARFU.
134: … that burned our own houses down before we started recording today.
135: The trillion dollar war movie podcast that is at the mercy of three men with little brass keys.
136: The best-trained, least-proven war movie podcast on the whole Internet.
137: … that, like Jesus Christ, is the same yesterday, today, and forever!
138: … that is travel-sized, for your convenience.
139: … that has been tossed about more than a dollar whore at a port of call.
140: … that needs to free up some space in our backpacks so we can keep some heads as souvenirs.
141: There is a storm inside of us. I have heard many war movie podcasters speak of this, a burning, a river, a drive, an unrelenting desire to review more of these movies than anyone could think possible.
142: … that is a pretty decent loophole in the whole "The penalty for having a radio is death!" thing.
143: … that came here to bomb!
144: … that will review this movie and do the other things before the decade is out, not because it is easy, but because it is hard!
145: … that has always had a happy ending, because it is an American podcast, not an Irish one. (speaking in an Irish accent)
146: … that is glad we have this chance to pay society back for all the trouble we have caused it.
147: … that every week attempts to produce petrol from cow manure.
148: … who's hosts, depending how you feel on this episode, you may count among the names of the dead at Yom Kippur.
149: … that after we are finished with you, you shall all wish you are doing time with the red caps! (speaking in a Scotish accent)
150: … that is loaded with maggots, but we are going to try and serve it to you anyway!
151: … who's hosts are asking permission: "Can we please throw up now?"
152: … where we sacrifice a goat and a pig before every recording session, just to make sure our bases are covered.
153: … that has got an esprit to Garbage Pail.
154: It is amazing how much profanity goes on in this war movie podcast if you are tuned in to hear it.
155: … that is not worth much: It has flaws and the setting is poor!
156: … that needs to be mended, better yet: cast it into the sea, but you can’t see it, you are stuck listening! I would love to listen, but I am too busy hosting, ”… with a hey-nonny-nonny and a hot-cha-cha!” (speaking with a Midatlantic movie voice)
